no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
