I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
