it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
