My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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