just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
