What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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