My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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