your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
