I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
