Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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