I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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