this beer tastes like vomit already
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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