can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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