If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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