my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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