her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
