You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
