ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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