I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I will pee on everything he values.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
