she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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