Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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