About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
