its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
