did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
