i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
