I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
