We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
