are you still at the devil's house?
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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