i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
