Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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