You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
