There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
