allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
