I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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