so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You took a bar mat shot.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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