so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
