a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
