So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
