I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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