Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
false alarm, still single
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