Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
