Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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