My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We need to get me chipped asap
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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