I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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