Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
So squirting runs in the family.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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