i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
