the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
