on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
