This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
