yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
